Ouch.

Another area that God has been working in my life is my thought process towards dating and marriage. I randomly picked up a book at Northwestern Bookstores called Press Play. It's good, and an quick read, but what hooked me was the first chapter.

It's one of those things that's like a page out of my life. As she's recalling her dad's death (I know I talk about this a lot, and I truly don't mean to, but bear with me here for a minute) I was remind of my dad's death. I've had a hard time since then even being open to dating and she hit the reason dead on. It's a simple little promise she made after his death:

"Never again will I let anyone so deep into my heart that they can
hurt me this badly when they leave."

Ouch. That hurt. I've made that promise secretly too. I don't want to let my dad's death hinder the way I relate to people. I don't want his death to stunt me emotionally. It's a hard thing to admit, but I'm asking God to break that thought process and (in a non-"new age-y" way) allow me to be "open" to the things He has in store for me and not be afraid of them.

This secret promise has been on my heart even though I didn't really know it, and it hurts to see it in print, but after a good cry and with God's help I'm being led out of it.

Wait. Does that mean I have to start dating again?

Patience

Man, God is sure doing something in me. Not sure exactly what that something is but I'm, for one of the first times in my life, actually enjoying this waiting time and being patient. I know it's only been a week, but it's still exciting. Usually patience for me is something I have to fight at to get and something I need to constantly remind myself to ask for. It's easier for me to worry, and I can easliy give in to it. But, this last week, I haven't worried and I have been blessed with patience. Ok, now that I wrote that, it sounds strange and gloaty (is that a word?) but I don't mean it that way. I feel that for the almost two years since my dad's death I have begged for patience regarding my place in life. While tomorrow I may get impatient again, today (and the last week) I have not been, and for that I am grateful to my God. He is so good!

Last Wednesay, (two days after my interview) I felt like God was calling me out of hoping for that job. And, lo and behold, I was pleased as punch to follow is His leading and stopped thinking about the job. I almost even forgot about the position until they called yesterday to tell me they were "pursuing someone else, but it was close and I am next on the list". Heh. First- next on the list??? Do you really want to tell people that? What if you have to move to that next person? Do you want them to know that they were your second choice? Maybe it's just me, but I thought it was funny. Second- I let him know that God was calling me into something different and I was glad they were pursuing someone else, but "thank you for taking the time to meet with me". He almost seemed a bit shocked that I said that, but oh well. I'm at peace with the situation. I still want a new job, but I am happy to wait for just the right thing.

I've also had a good friend speak into my life and tell me things she thinks I should be doing and things I shouldn't even apply for because she knows me and knows I'd ultimatley hate it and that wouldn't be Glorifying to God. I'm praying about the things she's asked me to consider (more working with students in a more concentrated, even in a pastoral way- yikes!). It's scary, but I want to listen to the Lord and wait on His timing. I know the things I like to do (wedding/event planning) but is that what He wants me to do? Is that how I can best honor Him with my life? In what way can I serve Him better? In what way can I bring Glory and Honor to the Almighty? In what capacity will I point people to Jesus? Many of these things are just things that I'm searching out in my "non-work life", but I want to have a ministry in my "work life" as I think all Believers are called into ministry no matter where they are. Yes, as long as I'm walking with Him and following His leading I'm honoring Him with my life, but of course I want that to translate into my "work life" as well. Does that make sense? It totally did in my head. ;)

So, I wait. I know it'll happen when He's ready for me to move on to a new job and out of this "transition phase" and in the meantime, I'm loving this sweet time with God.

Frost advisory

I've been so busy since the Fair that I've totally forgotten to update! To begin with, the State Fair was a TON of fun. We (my friends and I) ran into Marjorie Johnson. I let her know that she came to my foods class in high school and that I still have and use her cinnamon roll recipe. She was SO sweet (and exactly the same way she is on Leno!) and excited about that! She also invited me to her book signing on this Friday (I'm totally going). I had already wanted her cookbook, and am so excited to get it signed. :)

Before going to the Fair, though, my mom, sister, brother and I went to the cemetery b/c it was the day before my dad's birthday. I was extremely emotional all of last week as a result. It's terribly hard to just be "normal" on days like that. His birthday is always the worst. Even worse than the anniversary of his death. I miss him terribly and wish things were "normal" again, but this "new normal" we have isn't so strange anymore. Plus, what is "normal" anyway?

I've been wrestling with the notion of being "happy" for about a month now. Maybe it was my dad's impending birthday, maybe it's that I HAVEN'T FOUND A JOB YET, maybe it's placing my hope in things (like a new job) in things more than I thought and less on God and His Word (my intention), or maybe it's upcoming anniversary of Payton's death.

A few weeks ago Abby mentioned the idea of "happiness" I never mentioned it to her, but it really did resonate with me. I want the "pretty life" too, and I need to deal (and not in a begrudgingly way) with the fact that I don't have what I want (a new job, a place of my own, a husband, babies, then another new job of staying home with my kids- could I get greedier?) because of God's sovereignty and plan for my life. Maybe someday He will bring those things into my life, but right now they are not His best for me. That's hard sometimes and frustrating, but that's where I need to rest. In His plan and in His grip.

I had another job interview yesterday. They all go SO well, and we (my interviewer and I) hit it off and everyone says they are so impressed with me, my skills, and my resume. Then, I make it to the next round of interviews and things go well again. But, they hire someone else. Fan-flippin-tastic. It's so frustrating. I don't know yet if I "made it" to the next round for this job, but the interview did go well (though I did find my self thinking my interviewer- single and a Christian- was cute! What's wrong with me???). But, then, after the interview, I got so frustrated again because my pessimistic self got all down about how "of course I won't get it".

I was reminded then of Job. He was stripped away of so many things and yet he praised God continually! Yes, he poured his heart out, yes he wondered why, but He knew God was still there. Job 2:10 says "...Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?..." I so often want the good things and not the "bad". I see myself in a new phase of life- and have been for a while- and I just want the rest of my life to start. I want the things that I don't want to be gone (my dad still alive, this "transition" phase to be over) and I want the things I do want to be here already (a new job... yada, yada...insert previous obnoxious, greedy list...) but I need to accept all of it and live my life fully in a way that's Glorifying to God.

I had a review at work this last week, and seriously, it couldn't have gone better. But I still need something new for a variety of reasons, so clearly I am sick because I know they want the best for me and they want to help me find something (it's a nonprofit w/ not a lot of funding and they can't give me something full-time and salaried even though I do 40+ hrs of work crammed very quickly into 20+ hrs to save them money. It's just not an option to make it full-time right now for them, so whatever). Things are going well and I'm where God wants me right now, I'm just very anxious for the next thing to start, but I need to be patient!!!

I don't know if all of this made sense, but that's where I'm at right now. Suffice it to say that it's easy to praise God when things are going well, but I am getting a little drained praising Him when things aren't going well. I'm working on it, but I am a work in progress.

On a more fun note, I've been thrifting a bit more lately and have found some AMAZING deals! My vintage Pyrex collection is growing and it's so fun to find great pieces!

Finally, on a disturbing note, my arch nemesis announced a frost advisory tonight. It's a bit north of the Twin Cities, but still, a frost advisory in September???? What the heck! I think I need to move away from the north!

Yes, Lord.

A few thoughts, as pull I out of this "blah" feeling.


1. Matt & Ginny (who I don't know) went through something similar to what my friends, the Joneses did this year. I love what Matt said here. I want, for my life, what their pastor prayed over them at their wedding.

"Enough blessing that they know Your hand is upon me. Enough difficulty to force me to You.”

That sounds about right.

2. Amanda had this today, and it's a great illustration of God's faithfulness.

3. God is so good. After I typed out my feelings last night, I went to bed, and spent a long time in prayer. As I woke this morning, again, He is gracious and gave me a new day, and a new perspective. I'm not feeling anxious about the job anymore. I am still anxious about other things, but I know He will work those out too. Thank you Lord, for your faithfulness.

4. That's really it. I just felt like I should have a 4th thing. ;)

blah

That's how I feel today. Blah.

I didn't get a call about the job today (in my head, I feel like I didn't get the job b/c I didn't get a call, obviously, that's not the only answer/option, but, I'm feeling really down about it all) and Satan used that to really mess with me. I want that job, and it's something that excites me, which I want out of a new job (my current job is stressful- more on that some other day, suffice it say that it gets hard emotionally seeing people struggle, and I don't know how much longer I can do it), but I'm afraid of a lot of things.

I'm afraid that I won't get something new (and more fun!). I'm afraid no one will want to hire me. I'm afraid I'll be living with my mom until I'm 80. I'm afraid no boy will ever pursue me again. I'm afraid I'll never get married. I'm afraid I'll never have kids (ok, those last things are obviously intertwined, but you get my drift). I'm afraid that this is "it" for my life.

I want good things to happen to me. Is that selfish? Yeah, probably, but that's honestly how I feel right now. BUT, I'm having a terribly rough day believing that God has good things in store for me. That He desires good things for me and that this is not "it". I know intellectually that someday I'll look back at this time in my life and wonder why I worried so much, but on this side of that time, worry is where I'm at.

Matthew 7: 9-11 says "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I know these are true! Today, I having a hard time believing it. I'm clinging to my Savior, but today has been a hard day. Psalms 4 & 5 show David crying out to God- that is me tonight. Abba, hear my cry!

Interview update

I had my final interview today at the university for the job I mentioned. I was under the impression that I was going to interview with a large group of people, maybe 5-6 people, instead, I had 6 one-on-one interviews with the "final round" people! I took almost two hours!

It. Was. Exhausting.

And then I wanted to cry.

Seriously. The interviewS went very well. I was happy with how I presented myself, happy with how I felt God leading the conversations, and happy with my "selling myself"-ness (a part I HATE about interviewing- don't they just KNOW I'm fantastic?). But I got in my car afterwards and just wanted to cry. And call my dad. I have been in a funk since Father's Day, so that could be part of it. Father's Day is so weird when you don't have an earthly father anymore to see or call or buy even just a card for. I mentioned my near crying fit to a co-worker afterwards and she thought that maybe since it was so long I was just intellectually spent and needed just an emotional release, which makes sense.

All that to say, it was a weird day. The interview went good (ok, great even, but I'm too much of a pessimist when it comes to things about me), but it was a strange day. I'm hoping to hear by Friday about whether I got the position or not. I'm nervous. I feel like I'll be a failure if I don't get it, which, I know isn't true, but that's how I feel.

If you're reading this, keeping praying for me, please! Thanks!

Relying on God. It's a good thing.

So, that interviewed I mentioned I had here? Well, today (a week and a half later- this HAS to be the longest hiring process ever ;) ) I got a call for a final interview. YAY!

I really do want the job. The place won (again) one of the "Best Christian Workplaces Institute" awards by the BCWI. The people I'd work with seem SO fun. And it's pretty much exactly what I am looking for. It's down to me and one other person. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be upset if I didn't get it.

BUT, I am choosing to trust the Lord in this. He knows my heart, He knows who's best for this position, and I certainly don't want a job that is outside of His plan for me. So, I am trusting Him and following Him in this venture.

Doubt is not a option here. Giving into the "why would they want me" and the "I'm sure they'll find someone better" aren't an option here. Believing those things is giving into Satan and I won't do that. I have good, Godly friends who speak love and truth into me and their "you're BEYOND perfect for the job!" and "why wouldn't they want you?" are like air to me at times when the enemy can get me down. And, most of all, they are praying for me. I love my friends. They're just such great people to have on your side.

So, I am asking the (literally) 10 people who read my little bloggy corner, will you pray for me too? The position is on the Campus Events team at a local Christian University & Seminary (want to guess which one?) planning and executing events. My final interview is on Wednesday at 1 pm. Thank you, I covet your prayers.